how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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