Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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