I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
