I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
