Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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