that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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