he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
