AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
