I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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