I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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