My nipple is on Facebook.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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