I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize