What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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