I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
