We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
