Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
