so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
