Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
