We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize