i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
