Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
