she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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