please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
