Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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