capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
