He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
