my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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