im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
