my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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