On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
