my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I didn't notice because vodka
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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