I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
