i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
