I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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