it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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