Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
