Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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