if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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