i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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