a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
