i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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