how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
