Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
