Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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