I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
