you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
