i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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