Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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