my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
