Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
