I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
