There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
