He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
