i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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