I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
