So drunk its hurt
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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