a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize