I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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