If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
