dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
