yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
