I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
