My Higher Power is John Stamos
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
