win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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