okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
