I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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