with your own penis?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
