im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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