Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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