He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
