OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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